It seems like most years the summers here seem to fly by and disappear in the blink of an eye. With long, dark, cold winters and rainy springs, we normally cling as hard as we can to the two months of solid heat, packing in as many waking minutes outside as we can.
Unlike years past when I find myself wondering what happened to that sweet summertime when I see the back to school products hitting the shelves at the end of July, this year the summer is just dragging on and I’m honestly ready for fall. We were lucky to be blessed with an exceptionally early summer in terms of beautiful weather here, so now that July is almost over, I feel like we’ve already enjoyed a few months of sun and sand and adventure. Not to mention, this summer has been anything but relaxing for my family.
You may remember half way through my pregnancy with Roman when we found out he may have hydronephrosis (enlarged kidneys) due to reflux or a blockage in his ureter. After keeping an eye on his kidneys throughout my pregnancy, delivering him a week early just to be safe, and waiting and watching in pain as my baby boy underwent test after test over the first year of his life while being on a daily dose of antibiotics to prevent kidney infections, his urologist has finally decided it’s time for surgery. When we found out that surgery was definitely in the cards for Roman last week, I actually wasn’t surprised or shocked or even that upset. I’ve had a long time to prepare for the possibility. When we went to schedule the surgery I assumed it would be later this year, but nope, they had an opening next week. Between trying to sell our house, losing out on a new home we loved, and Leila being diagnosed with a heart problem, why not add to the dreariness with surgery on my sweet and happy one-year-old?
Okay, I know that sounds horrible and like I’m crying out “woe is me!” but the truth is that through all the sadness I’ve experienced this summer, there really has been a whole lot of good. I think Andy and I have tried hard to overcompensate for the stress we feel and protect our children from it by packing in as much fun in the sun as we can. We’ve been on mini trips, strawberry picking, to water parks, and have spent lots of time enjoying the beautiful lakes that surround us.
In Leila’s words, “This is the best summer ever!” So at least that makes me feel good. And I know with all the drama and stress and pain comes the eventual light at the end of the tunnel. Soon enough we are bound to hit a streak of fortune. I’m doing my best to stay positive and take everything one day at a time. Even though it’s hard at times, I’m determined to count my blessings. So, while I’ll welcome fall with open arms knowing the stress of this summer and Roman’s surgery will be behind us, I’m still living in the moment and making the most of this summer.
And I’ll end with a photo that pretty much sums us up perfectly in this season. 🙂
Everyone has those rare, unforgettable days throughout their lifetime – you know, the memories that a single smell or song or setting can bring you back to in an instant. Whenever you take the time to reminisce, you can instantly feel the flood of feelings and emotions from that single moment in time. I still remember like it was yesterday my first kiss, the morning of September 11, 2001, my wedding day, and one of my favorite days of all: the day I found out I was getting a daughter.
I don’t remember the exact date or time or day of the week when I found out the sex of my first baby, but when I close my eyes and think about that day, I can feel and taste the emotion. The whole first trimester of my pregnancy with Leila I was sicker than a dog. I was tired and felt horrible and if I’m being completely honest, a part of me resented being pregnant and I didn’t really experience the excitement and joy I thought I should be feeling. However, that all changed at 17.5 weeks. Slowly my morning sickness was subsiding and I finally got to see the little person growing inside me for the first time. Of course I didn’t really care whether I was going to have a boy or a girl baby, but when the tech said it was a healthy little girl, I couldn’t have been more excited. More than anything from that day, I remember driving back to work after the ultrasound. That’s when it hit me. I’m going to be a mom. I’m going to raise a human being. I’m going to have a daughter. For the first time in my pregnancy, I felt the intense love only a parent knows.
To think that the first little baby growing inside me, making me so sick at one point is now a vibrant, beautiful, energetic, sensitive six-year-old is a true testament to the miracle of life. I still remember so vividly that first moment I felt true love for her and since then, it hasn’t eased up for even a moment. This girl is the epitome of magic to me. I have many days when I feel like I’m failing as a mother, where I honestly don’t think I’m the right person for the job, and I’m not joking, God hears my doubt and sends my angel, Leila, in to tell me how much she loves me and how I’m the “best mommy ever.” There are many times when I don’t feel deserving enough to be her mother.
The past year has been a HUGE one for my Leila Jade. In June she completed her first year of school and her first year of ballet. She is truly a shining star in everything she does. Never once through the school year did she wake up and tell us she didn’t want to go to school, which is really every parent’s dream, right? She honestly loved it. In terms of ballet, she loved it at first, then decided it was too boring for her, and then took to it full force and was bitten with the dance bug as soon as she got to experience preparing for her first dance recital. Seeing my daughter up on the big stage in her cute little costume, with her hair in a tight little bun was so surreal for me. The little peanut doing flips in my belly at one point, who I used to imagine dressed up in a tutu, was actually a real life ballerina. Even if she decides she hates ballet next year and wants to quit, it was fun to have my little daughter dreams come to fruition for a moment in time. 🙂
The growth in a child from age 5 to 6 is insane! Not only just in height and weight and overall maturity, but they really lose all aspects of babyhood. When I dropped Leila off at kindergarten on that very first day she still clung to my side and it was really hard for me to let her go. But today she is so much more confident in who she is as her very own person and I’m confident that she’s strong enough to take on the world. Sometimes I fear for the future, for the days when she screams “I hate you!” at the top of her lungs and slams the door in my face, but I’m really holding out hope that those days won’t even occur. I’m hoping she will always be my little bestie.
Same dress, below the knees and then above! So crazy – the growth!
Today I took Leila to the cardiologist to find out about an issue with her heart. It’s another little medical concern in one of my children that just makes me get a taste of how scary being a parent really is. While it’s nothing immediately life threatening or even too concerning for the time being, it was enough to send me into a tizzy of prayer for my precious only daughter. All I want is for her to live a full and happy life. It’s insane to think that I can do everything in my power to accomplish that, but it’s still out of my hands.
I hope some day I get to see Leila become a mom just so that she can experience the love I feel for her. But, above all, I hope that she never stops smiling that contagious, all-encompassing, beautiful grin that reminds me every day that there is more good in this world than bad.
Yes, the title of this post sounds rather dramatic, but that’s just the mood I’m in right now. Drama queen! I’ve been far too distant from this blog for far too long. Sure, I’ve kept up with little updates here and there and I’ve tracked Roman’s 1st year successfully, boring you all to death I’m sure. And now I feel like I’m moving into a new season and I’m really ready to get back into just writing for me (and you, too). I’ve had too much pent up inside for too long. So, I thought I’d start back up with one painfully long post of word vomit to bring you up to speed on the stress and tragedy that is my life in this very moment.
This has been one amazingly exciting and adventurous year for my family already! Leila completed her first year of kindergarten and ballet, Roman recently turned one, we’ve traveled to Disneyland on our first trip as a family of five, and we almost spontaneously bought a new house which spurred some home renovations and lead us to finally put our own house on the market. My summer has consisted of keeping our house spotless for showings while caring for three small children, which is no easy task! It’s exhausting!
Anyway, we had a really good momentum going on in our life until this past week. It was a series of cascading events that lead to a lot of excitement and hope until it all came crashing down. We got an offer on our home after it was only on the market for a week – a full price offer that was contingent on the sale of the buyer’s home. Not being in a hurry to move, we accepted the offer and started looking for a new home while continuing to show ours to other interested parties. One day our real estate agent was showing us a home and told us about an opportunity to star in a Windermere Realty commercial. They needed a family and she thought we’d be perfect, so she passed along the info to apply. I sent in a family photo and our stats and we got called for an audition in Seattle. We were all so excited! Not only would it be a fun family opportunity, but we could make some good extra cash doing it. Win!
So we’re on our way to Seattle for the audition and our agent lets us know that our buyer’s house has sold so our home is sold! And we’re going to close in a month! We made plans to do some heavy house hunting when we returned from our trip. Talk about excitement! The audition and our short time in Seattle was so much fun. We all went up the Space Needle for the very first time and loved every minute of it. We returned home happy and excited for possibly getting the commercial and finding a new home.
The day after we got home we viewed several homes and found one we absolutely loved. We were told they had another offer coming in, so we wrote ours up quickly and even typed up a personal letter to increase our chances of getting it. And they accepted! Happy dance!
And then it all fell apart.
The buyer of our buyer’s house (did I lose you yet?) backed out of the deal causing a crumbling cascade of hopes and dreams. Not only did the buyer’s of our house go back to square one, but we lost our deal on the new dream home we’d found. And of course, I spent the entire night before all this happened browsing pinterest for redecorating ideas and imagining our life in the new home and neighborhood. Ugh.
This came at the same time that we should have heard back from the talent agency if we had scored the commercial deal. But, we didn’t. Womp womp.
On top of these let downs, we are absolutely exhausted with showing our home and there are no other houses on the market right now that remotely interest us if our house does sell. So we may just pull it until next year. And now all I have on the horizon to look forward to is Roman’s big kidney test on Monday and a meeting with a cardiologist on Tuesday for an issue with Leila’s heart. Woe is me.
But, guess what? There is a silver lining. Andy and I are clinging strongly to each other through the let downs and our family is tighter because of it. We’ve been out and about embracing fun opportunities – lots of ice-cream outings, water park adventures, hikes, strolls through our lovely neighborhood. We still laugh a lot and try to create as much fun as possible to make up for the frustration. In the end, where we end up living doesn’t matter. As long as we have each other, we’re all good.
There will always be more houses, more opportunities, and more possibilities for new adventures – together.
Six years ago when I became a mother I remember the crazy mix of stress and excitement that became my daily existence. I was always questioning every move I made while celebrating each milestone and anxiously awaiting the next big thing. When Leila first rolled over I wondered when she would crawl and when she first crawled I wondered when she would walk.
Fast forward to my third round of bringing a new life into this world and I’m older and wiser. Roman’s first year has been full of desperation to hold on to each day of his infancy. I’m a much more laid back mother now and instead of doubting every parenting decision I just kind of let it all unfold. I pray that each stage lasts longer than I know it will. Unfortunately, it seems that the more I resist time and change and growth, the faster it all goes by.
My last baby is ONE.
And him and I are SO over the monthly photoshoots, as you can tell. 🙂
While Roman’s birthday was fun and exciting and a happy occasion, I couldn’t help but feel a bit emotional about it. He’s still very much a baby, but we’ve already moved on from swaddling, the baby bathtub, the bumbo, the tiny diapers. Any day he’ll be walking, then running, then talking back to me and I’ll never have another sweet, innocent, newborn to look forward to again until I become a grandparent. I never thought moving on from the newborn baby stage of my life would be so tough! Granted, I’m super excited to eventually be done with diapers and be able to travel and do more things easily with three self-sufficient children. So it’s really not all bad. And who knows, maybe I’ll end up with a forth after all! HA HA HA HA! (Oh dear Lord please NO.)
Roman’s adorable outfit found recently at H&M. I’m obsessed.
Anywho, besides sulking over my baby being one, I’m super happy with the the adorable little man he is growing into! Like I am legit obsessed with this kid and never want to leave him. Here are some things I don’t want to forget about Roman Michael at ONE YEAR OLD…
- His dad and I call him “T” for Trouble. He’s a speedy, sneaky, lil trouble maker already.
- He has five little toofers and he recently started grinding them together which drives me batty.
- Walks along walls and furniture, but still no first steps.
- Screams like someone is stabbing him when you place him in his crib, but as soon as you leave the room he quiets down. He just needs to get in at least one big cry of protest whenever he doesn’t get his way.
- Stubborn, sassy little thing, but super happy and smiley about 95% of the time.
- Roman loves to do somersaults. If he’s crawling around you can yell out, “Somersault!” and he’ll get in a downward dog position until someone flips him over. Then he’ll clap his hands and want to do it again.
- Weighing in at 21 lbs at exactly one year old (I took him to the doc on his 1st b-day because I thought he may have an ear infection, but it was just a virus I guess).
- So far his first tastes of whole milk haven’t gone over so well. And he still wants the boob as much as possible. Oye. I’m so ready to be done nursing, but that’s a story for another day.
- Roman loves his momma in a way I’ve never experienced before. I think it’s the fact that this is my first child who hasn’t had to be in daycare at all, but our connection is crazy. He’s super attached to me, and I’m just as attached to him. I hope we’re always close.
- I love his chin dimple, the wrinkly forehead scrunchy face he always makes, and the big birthmark on the back of his left calf. Three little things I hope never change about him.
This past year of getting to know Roman and welcoming him into our family and adjusting to life as a family of five has been phenomenal. I never understood how special it is to “just” be a mom and focus on giving myself fully to my children. It’s exhausting, but it’s amazing. Having Roman has allowed all of us to grow closer. It’s given me more time with my husband and more time to be there for Leila as she adjusted to school life. I’ve been able to spend lots of one-on-one time with Landon while Leila was at school and Roman napped. Time I had never been able to experience before. Roman has been a gift to this family and I have a feeling that while he won’t always be a baby, he’ll always be our baby.
It was an average Wednesday night around 10pm when I was just finally getting around to unwinding from the craziness that is my everyday life when my darling husband had a startling realization. We were perusing real estate online while simultaneously watching HGTV when he suddenly blurted out, “Oh my gosh, it’s our anniversary this weekend!”
I had completely, 100% forgot. Like if he hadn’t said something, I would not have remembered until the Timehop app reminded me on the day of. It was a really sad moment. Of course, him and I started cracking up because we had turned into that old married couple who can’t even manage to keep track of their wedding anniversary (and we’re only 7 years in!). Oye. Needless to say, I was super happy that he remembered and we still had a couple of days to plan a little date celebration, and mortified that I forgot all about it.
You see, forgetting my wedding anniversary is SO not like me. Sure, I’m a bit scatter brained and spacey at times, but I love a good excuse to celebrate. And I love love. And I really love my husband. But between taking care of three small children, Leila’s ballet recital, readying our house to sell, and end of the school year festivities, I lost track of the date. I’m still not sure how it is already June. And actually, June is already half over!
I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection lately because I’m sick of time just flying by while I feel like I’m trapped in the middle of a tornado watching everything in my life swirl around me while dust stings my eyes. These past 12 months have felt like this to me. With Roman’s first birthday quickly approaching I’ve decided it’s time for me to step out of the storm and take control of my life again. I’m making some small changes and looking forward to focusing on myself a little bit once again.
Whether you’re a mom of one or ten, it’s hard to make time for yourself and when you do, it’s hard to not feel guilty enjoying it. However, when you become a mother your self-identity is not lost. It just changes a little bit. Underneath the sleep deprivation, spilled milk, grey hairs, and heart wrenching love is still YOU.