Happy New Year! I want to write about goals and dreams and hopes for the new year because isn’t that what everyone does? Instead I’m just going to ramble and write what my heart tells me.
Yesterday was my first MOPS meeting of the New Year. If you aren’t familiar, MOPS is an amazing organization for mothers of preschoolers (kids 0-5). Being a mom to young kids isn’t easy and if I didn’t have this amazing support system, I don’t know where I would be some days when I hit my parenting lows. Anyway, on Christmas Eve just a few weeks ago one of the moms in our group lost her sweet 19 month old daughter very suddenly. An email circulated on Christmas, letting us all know what had happened. Since then I’ve been consumed with grief for this sweet mama I don’t even know. Yesterday at MOPS, nearly 100 of us hugged and cried and grieved for her. At one point, a friend of mine said something along the lines of, “it’s so great that we get a break from our children to spend time in this amazing community, but what’s even greater is that we get to leave here and go pick up our kids afterwards.” I lost it.
You see, I’m not always the greatest mom. Sometimes I downright hate being a mother. It is SO HARD. I complain about the things my kids do. I feel sorry for myself more often than I should. I crave time away from them. But at the exact same time I could NEVER imagine my world without them.
Over a year ago someone I follow on Instagram shared these lyrics from a Leonard Cohen song and they filled me with so much hope:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in
~ Leonard Cohen (from his song “Anthem”)
For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with trying to understand my purpose on this earth. I am so hard on myself – expecting that everything I do has to be perfect. The truth is, there is no perfection in life. There are wars and division of politics. There is hate. There are sweet, innocent children that die every single day. But without all of this darkness, would we notice the light? Would we truly be able to appreciate all the good that there is?
Instead of focusing on the things in life that don’t work out, we need to ring those bells that still can ring. Stop focusing on perfection and give what ever amount you have to give. Feel pain so that the good is all the more glorious. That is my hope for 2017. I’m going to find the light through the cracks. I’m going to love my family as deeply as I can, knowing their fate is completely out of my control. I’m going to trust in something far greater than myself.