Dreams To Do

February 2014 archive

On my heart.

Relief. It’s 5:25pm and I’ve successfully survived the morning chaos, daycare drop off, work, and daycare pick up. We park on the street in front of our house and I take a deep breath. Such a relief to be home. My shoes and pants are begging to be ripped off in exchange for bare feet and sweats. But first, I must unload my crew. First Leila who goes running into the house through the open garage to greet an excited Billy-dog, and then my little Lando who always covers his eyes and pretends to hide from me when I go to unbuckle him.

With purse, keys, backpack, lunch bag, blankie, and school artwork overflowing from my arms, we schlepp into the basement and up the stairs to the kitchen where I unload all of it in a pile on the floor. Shoes are pulled off, coats are thrown aside and we all race upstairs to immediately put jammies on. Once comfortable, it’s dinner prep (never planned, always thrown together at the last minute) while kiddos play at my feet, chow time, and then baths. Clean couch snuggles with milk and a snack and maybe some Caillou or Pajanimals usually tops off my evenings at home alone with my littles.

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This is my time to shine. While I find myself exhausted and craving peace and relaxation immediately upon leaving the office, it’s not what I get. Not right away anyway. Instead I get something even better. I get my chaotic, yet predictable evening routine with two little people who carry my heart outside of my body. It’s so easy to take this for granted. Sometimes I just want bedtime to magically appear so I can chill. Sometimes the neediness and the mess and the movement almost sends me over the edge. But usually, I cherish these few hours unwinding together in the evenings. I want to remember this.

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I’ve been a bit of a mess lately. The hormones in this pregancy are out of control – more so than I ever remember. I feel down a lot of the time, especially when I’m away from my family. I don’t know what it is, but it’s out of my control. I’m normally a very happy-shiny person, or I like to think I am, so it’s all very strange. All I want to do lately is be home with my people in our little bubble of love. I think this is why I’m cherishing my evenings with my kiddos so much more lately.

I read Diana’s blog post from today and it killed me. If you aren’t familiar with her story, she lost her twin sons who were born prematurely a couple of years ago and then just 6 months ago, her third son passed away from a rare heart condition and virus when he was just a few weeks old. I made the mistake of reading this post while I was at work and I couldn’t hold back the tears. My heart hasn’t stopped breaking for her since she lost her twins and every time I read her writing it reminds me just how blessed I am – that I have two (almost three) precious, healthy, joyful children. Diana’s daughter doesn’t get to play with her brothers like Leila gets to play with hers. Life is so unfair. And yet, in a sickening way other people’s pain can remind us to be happy – to cherish all that we have.

Wonderful Weekend {21 weeks}

I seriously did not want this last weekend to end! Such a great, cozy weekend at home with my little family. We did some spring cleaning, hung out with friends, went shopping, watched movies, and ate a lot of ridiculously delicious food. I even talked out my freaking out feelings with Andy and he made me feel so much better. Definitely in a happier place today!

In other news, I’m 21 weeks preggo now!

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I love how I managed to capture Leila in this week’s pics! Ha!

21 week tid-bits…

  • Leggings and jeggings are where it’s at. Pretty much all I can handle in terms of pants these days.
  • Last Wednesday I skipped work with a friend to celebrate her birthday and we got pedicures and manicures and went shopping. I definitely decided that while I’m still making money, I totally have to treat myself like that more often! Especially since painting my own toes is becoming more and more difficult.
  • Fried chicken is the shiz.
  • I’m much more emotional this pregnancy than I remember being in the past. I’m not much of a crier, but I’ve found myself tearing up over EVERYTHING. A sappy commercial, a stubbed toe, spilled milk – you name it, I cry.
  • We’ve started researching new mom-mobiles for me. At first I was planning on just attempting to cram three car seats across our back seat, but I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. I really think we need a vehicle with a third row. This is where the tax return may come in handy.
  • I did a Bar Method DVD yesterday for the first time in a couple weeks and just about died. I’m really getting out of shape again. So sad. And I find myself running out of breath after just going up the stairs!
  • I caught myself waddling today. Can’t believe I’m already at that point! Granted, it was after a rather large meal.

And that’s about it for now! Except for a little blast from the past, of course…

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Freaking out.

The fear is grabbing hold of me and I’m a mess. The pregnancy hormones aren’t helping. I’m sure everything I’m feeling is normal, but it seems like other moms in my shoes are just fine and dandy.

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In just about 6 months I’ll be sending my first born off to kindergarten. Her first 5 years flew by way too fast. I don’t know why all of this is just hitting me right now, but it is. It’s almost so bad that I can’t focus or think clearly. It’s eating me up. Here’s what I’m struggling with:

Fear.

I never had any worries about my kids starting school until very recently when I actually started thinking about it. Growing up I loved school and had a great experience, so I guess I just always assumed my kids would, too. But my kids don’t live in the same world that I lived in as a kid. I grew up in a tiny town at tiny schools with tiny classes with a lot of the same classmates from kindergarten through high school. When I was little there weren’t school shootings or a crazy amount of standardized tests. Sure, there was bullying, but nothing like you hear about today. Will my kids make lifelong friends in kindergarten like I did? Will they get picked on? Will they feel scared? I’m freaking out about all of that. It’s enough to make me want to home school, but I could never do it. I don’t have the patience. I’m not a born teacher.

Confusion.

We live in a pretty decent sized city. I know hardly anything about the public education system here. Some people say it sucks, some people are happy with the education their children are receiving. Many people I know send their kiddos to private Catholic schools, but that is something I am so far removed from and know nothing about. Would my kids be safer at a private school with a smaller class size? Is it worth the extreme financial burden? I feel like I’ve put off doing research until the very last minute (school registration starts in just a couple weeks!) and I just don’t want to make the wrong decision for my family. I don’t know what’s right. I can’t even trust my gut because my gut is just as confused as my head.

Regret.

This is the worst. This is what’s eating me up inside. My heart is breaking writing this and as soon as I let my head go there, there is absolutely no stopping the tears. As a working mom I’ve struggled with my fair share of mom guilt, but overall I think I’ve done a pretty good job keeping it at bay. I’ve watched my daughter grow from a 12 week old infant spending her first days at daycare to a fun and loving 4.5 year old who is my best friend. Leila and I have a beautiful relationship. Spending so much time away from her every week makes the time we do share extra special. I cherish every smile, every cuddle, every moment. When she starts school this fall, she will be away from me for 5 days a week for pretty much the rest of the time she’s living with me. I lost my opportunity to spend 7 days a week with her. I chose to work. I choose to work. This is time I will NEVER get back. I know you stay-at-home moms have it tough. It’s the hardest job ever. But at least you will never have the regrets that I have. Yes, sending your kids off to kindergarten may be even harder than it will be for me, but at least you soaked up every moment of time you possibly could with them.

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I don’t know if writing this all out will help me feel better or just make me feel worse. I feel pretty crappy about it all right now and I know it isn’t going to get easier. Come this fall when I drop Leila off at school for the first time, I’m sure I’ll be a wreck. After all, I’ll be a sleep-deprived post-partum mess! Yay. But, I know I’ll get through. It’s another parenthood milestone that we all have to hit eventually. It’s just coming up a lot faster than I anticipated.

The perfect pair.

It’s 9pm and I’m craving something. I dig through the cupboard. Nothing. I peruse through the fridge. Nada. I hit the freezer. BINGO! Half a jar of Talenti Caribbean Coconut Gelato. While I was craving something a little more tart and refreshing, this would have to do. Back to the sofa I went.

Two bites into the gelato and something was missing. My pregnant instincts screamed “LEMON!”

“Hey Andy, bring me a wedge of lemon please!” (Hubby knows that when pregnant wife calls for a food item, he gets it ASAP.)

A squeeze of lemon over the top of my coconut gelato just about sent me into nirvana. Oh, the joys of pregnancy. Just to make sure I wasn’t crazy, I fed some to the hubby and he agreed that it was pretty much the best thing ever.

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When you squeeze the lemon over the frozen cream it freezes, too. A bite leaves you with an instant refreshing tartness followed by creamy sweetness. So FRIGGIN good! And I’m guessing you don’t have to splurge on Talenti gelato to taste this magnificence – plain ole vanilla ice-cream and lemon would probably be just as orgasmic.

Yes, I’m pregnant and passionate about food things right now. So, here are a few more things that are rocking my world lately. I highly suggest you try them all…

Bananas + Peanut Butter + Granola

The perfect snack = sliced banana + melted peanut butter + granola. YUMMO!

DoTerra Lemon Oil

So, I’m pretty much just obsessed with lemon these days. I received a sample of DoTerra Lemon Essential Oil and I pretty much drink a drop or two of it in my water every day. Not only does this oil taste AMAZING, but you can use it to lift your mood, wake you up, or disinfect your kitchen counter. I just love this stuff.

The kiddos and I made cupcakes for Valentine’s Day from store-bought cake mix and frosting. I added a thing of cream cheese and some vanilla extract to the vanilla frosting and beat it on high for like 3 minutes. It turned into the creamiest, yummiest frosting EVER. The cream cheese totally cut the sweetness of the sickening jar of frosting. Cream cheese just makes everything better. I highly recommend.

Got any delightful snacks or food items that are rocking your world lately? Please do share with this pregnant lady.

Midway (20 weeks)

Whooooooooaaaah, I’m half way there! Whoah, living on a prayer!

Sorry, had to. 🙂 I’ve hit the midway point of this pregnancy and I just know the rest of it is going to fly by. Normally I’m pretty stoked at this point, but I’m just sad to see it go so fast! I love being pregnant and I’m going to miss it so much. Having a hard time really coming to grips with this being my last pregnancy.

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In honor of my baby boy (if you missed the big gender announcement, you can see it here), I decided to bust out the blue for this week’s photo shoot. I’m starting to get really excited about having another boy. Logistically, it really just makes sense for us. In our current house we have two bedrooms upstairs (the master and a really large bedroom that the kids currently share) and a guest bedroom downstairs. While I never wanted to be on a separate floor from my kiddos, we’ve decided to move Leila into the guest room and have the upstairs bedroom shared by the boys. Currently Leila and Landon’s shared room is pretty gender neutral, so I’m really excited to give my daughter the girly decor of her choice downstairs and re-make the upstairs room into boyland. I’ve already started buying things and will probably move Leila downstairs and Landon out of the crib in the next couple weeks!

20 week highlights…

  • Andy felt baby kick for the first time! Last week we were on the couch watching TV and baby was moving around. Since I haven’t felt baby from the outside yet, I figured that Andy probably wouldn’t, but I put his hand on my belly anyway. Almost instantly, the little guy kicked straight out at his hand, shocking us both. We stared at eachother and just started laughing. Such a special moment every time.
  • I have entered the land of maternity clothes. Spent the weekend digging through boxes in the basement to find my stash. Right now I have a serious shortage of pants that fit me and with the still wintery weather, I’m not really embracing dresses yet. However, I pretty much hate maternity pants. This is where it gets tough folks.
  • If I ask Landon what’s in my belly he will FINALLY say “baby” instead of looking at me like I’m crazy!
  • Leila still says she wishes the baby was a sister, but she’s also excited to get a new brother. I just keep telling her that she’s so lucky that she gets to be our one and only little princess forever. (I mean, just think about the extravagant wedding we’ll get to throw her!)
  • Bring on the buffalo sauce, ketchup, mustard, ranch – basically anything I can dip food into! This is where my crazy pregnancy cravings come in. I won’t even tell you what I’ve put ketchup on recently.
  • I’m back to enjoying the occasional cup of coffee. It no longer makes me want to hurl! While I don’t crave it on a daily basis, every now and then it sounds good.

And now for fun, a flashback to my last two pregnancies…

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Oh man, I just can’t get over how far my photo taking and editing skills have come. I mean, hello red eyes!

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